Interesting read and logic exercise! Though could be a bit deeper for scientific explanations:

"Adam not living 800 years past Seth’s birth" - they were fresh out of Eden where they could live indefinitely. Medicine of the day has been probably much better than today (and humans healthier).

"Adam and Eve having 56 children" - for one living 800 years, why not.

"no birth defects because this is God’s plan" - defects are random, the God surely could take extra efforts as there were not so many humans to take care of at the time.

"God creating Adam from dust" - yeah, star dust may be? Neil deGrasse Tyson agrees.

"creating Eve from Adam’s rib" - something today's human technology is quite close to do, no? CRISPR gene editing, and I've read even brain-machine interfaces can be used for that. Should not be a problem for a demiurge even.

"All these things are just outrageously false." - it also depends on how to interpret the Bible words.